Thursday, 27 February 2014

Sadness

Ever since Christmas break, I've been feeling like my life is going downwards. I feel sad all the time and it's kind of similar to the sadness you might find in depression. But I'm not depressed. Reading accounts written by people experiencing/who have experienced depression will help you to figure out that a symptom of depression is not feeling anything at all.

My sadness isn't caused by other people. It's not like there are people bullying me, or that my teachers hate me, or that my friends secretly want me to go and die. My sadness seems to be caused by myself - I'm destroying myself and my happiness from the inside out. I don't know if it's because I put so much stress on myself (studying for 6 hours a night before maths tests) or because I have so many wounds that haven't fully healed.

At school I'm happy. There's the quiet studious side of me that teachers see, and there's the hyperactive, strange side of me that my friends see. At school I can forget everything and just be myself. There's always work to do, lessons to listen to, tests to write and assignments to complete.

But when I get home I feel really lonely and vulnerable. It's not like when I'm at school and I am surrounded by people all the time. I often just sit by myself and do homework, or blog, or read. Doing things help to numb the pain. But the bliss is temporary and as soon as I'm lying in bed I feel sad. I don't even know how to describe the feelings that run through my head, flowing through my heart. At times, I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. My demons don't drown. They sink a bit but then they're rescued again. It doesn't matter what I try to drown them with - music, text, internet or hot showers - they keep resurfacing.

It seems like I wear a mask to school in the morning. The mask is covered in smiles, jokes and strange little quirks I happen to possess. But when I get back home, the mask comes off and my sadness pokes through again.

There's also the existential crisis I've been facing - it's constantly looming up there like a cloud and occasionally a few raindrops of despair and hopelessness fall down. A few days ago in the car my parents talked to me about focusing more on activities unrelated to academics (piano, harp, karate, swimming) as that would help me have a better chance of being accepted into prestigious universities. And that was when the cloud attacked, bringing a thunderstorm down on me. I realized that apart from writing, I have no real talents. I don't know how to play piano well, and I can only play a few notes on the harp. I lack the dedication and motivation to practice everyday for hours on end. There's nothing really that makes me different from other people. I'm just another face in the crowd, hoping to be recognized.

My life is such a mess.

9 comments:

  1. Florence, you should never feel like this. For one, there is no such thing as talent (and I think this was scientifically proven..) and the only thing that can make you good at something is yourself. I'm an only child, and I have no idea what to do when I come home. My parents always think that I can figure out something and they come home late hoping if I had kept myself entertained. They come home at around eight, and we eat dinner. We don't talk to each other all week since were all so caught up in our lives, but I have no one to talk to, to turn to or to vent about how I feel. It's great that your recognising this and by being your friend, I know that you can be and you are unique. Remember that life is what you make of it (that was deep).

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  3. Florence, I agree with Anvita you should never feel like this and talk to us about it if you want. You have so much talent trust me.You just haven't realized. You shouldn't be so hard on yourself and doubt yourself. I would know. My parents always say stuff to me that makes me wonder if I really am worth it. The say stuff that makes me get angry at myself for not doing things properly but that's okay it's just parents being parents and us being us. It's human nature. The point is not to be hard on yourself and misjudge your abilities and strengths. I mean think about all the wonderful things you've done this year alone. Your an intelligent smart girl(or would I say women:)) and you have many abilities you are still yet to discover. We're still young we're still growing and developing our strengths and talents. We are still trying to figure out who we are and what we like. Remember...
    "It's not who you are that holds you back it's who you think your not."

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  4. Wow. That post hit me like a punch in the gut. A slap in the face. I can still feel the sting. But that is okay. The sting is good; it reminds me how hard it is to be in middle school. How hard it is to be human. We all go through the phases that you are feeling. I wish I could tell you that they go away, but they don't. I have felt the way you are describing for most of my life.

    But this feeling of yearning and emptiness need not always be bad. I see it as the artist's curse. If you are anything like me, you want intense experiences in everything you do. We are so used to the deep emotional resonance we feel from the music and stories and films we experience that we want our lives to be filled with such drama and depth. Sometimes those emotions are happy and excited and we ride high and mighty. But sometimes there is the emptiness! Trust me I know it well.

    You said that the only talent you have is writing! Well what a talent! You are one of the best young writers I have ever taught. You have a gift to tell stories and unfold the world through language. This is no small thing. You will grow and change and learn so much in the world, but my advice to you is: Do not try to fill the emptiness. Revel in it. Swim in it. Search it out and see what you find. You will be surprised by what it will teach you about the world and yourself.

    Just remember that these feelings too will pass and come back and pass again. Such is life. The writer sees this flux and rides this roller coaster. The writers shares her understanding of life with the rest of us. The writer articulates the emotions most people feel but can never explain. Just like you have done in this post.

    I have so much more to say. Maybe we can talk in class or after or here on your blog. I have many books, songs and movies to help....but for now: Explore this song and the story behind it:

    http://www.zefrank.com/chillout/

    Ze Frank is one of my heros. Check out more of his work. I think you will dig it.

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  5. wah, i'm not going to type a long comment like the others but, wah.
    i think i know you
    i thought you were always a quiet person who just, i dunno, was quiet.
    i like to call those types of people 'the hidden,' because it feels like quiet people always seem to be hiding something, i just don't know what.
    so that aside, i think i understand why you named your blog 'sugarcoated daydreams.'
    but talents...talentstalentstalents.
    i'm not going to deny what you said, because i don't know you well enough.
    and i don't know how to help you.
    but i think i understand why you're sad
    because
    if you have no interest in anything, then what's the point of living?
    i'm just assuming that there's nothing you're interested in.
    sorry i'm not helpful
    if this helps you even a little that's good.

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  6. Wow, this is amazing!

    Mr. Raisdana sent me here and I can really relate to this. I wrote a post last year about my grade 7 experience, and although your sadness doesn't seem to be related to any social problems, I remember feeling like this in Grade 7. Although I'm told that most sad people don't want advice and just want to be listened to, this comment can serve as both. You are listened to.

    The only thing I find really works is to find a passion. A really deep passion. For me, it's technology. I often find myself scrolling through endless feeds of news and unleashing my inner geekiness. Plus, I can help other people which is a huge plus! So find what you're passionate about and love it. You'll see, it turns into a shield against any pain or sadness.

    Just like you described, I also have a passion problem with piano. I feel like I don't put in enough effort and it's a footnote in my life. This year, my relationship with music has changed drastically. I now take joy out of playing piano. I figure out my favourite songs, make stuff up and sing. Try and do something with your piano that you really enjoy and that you feel good doing.

    No-one has a single talent. I went through the exact same thought process as you last year: 'All I'm good at is writing. Everyone is better than me at everything else'. I'm sure you'll find that writing comes naturally to you. You didn't have to put in hours of dedication and passion to write 'well'. Find another natural talent. For me, it's design. Although I can't draw, I am great at making things look good, finding how colours work and generally making things appealing. This is just something that comes to me naturally. It may take time, but I'm sure that you also have loads of natural talents. And even if writing is your true strength, what a strength it is!

    This is the last one, I promise. May it be singing, piano, guitar, painting or writing, you have to show it to the world. This is why blogging feels so good. You are shouting to the world. So go and sing in a concert, play piano at an assembly or get your writing published. Nothing feels better than recognition and seeing people happy because of what you can do. Nothing can make you believe more in yourself than having other people recognise your talents.

    Jus remember that this too will pass. You won't sink down forever. You will rise, and your life has as many chances of being great as any other.

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  7. Sorry, I'm on a roll here. (I have a strange habit of dominating conversations :/ )

    I don't know if you've heard 'What doesn't kill you makes you stronger' by Kelly Clarkson. It has a line which I can really relate to, and I'm sure you will too. It says 'doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone'. As Mr. Raisdana said above, explore your alone-ness and embrace it. You are with yourself, your writing and your passion. You may not choose to be alone, but you do choose whether to be lonely or not.

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  8. I agree with you in every way. While reading this I kept on thinking: 'Oh my god! She is describing me'! I could stop after every paragraph and fully relate, which was really shocking.
    Remember, you are not alone, or not the only one who feels like that. Your 'mask' that you wear in school conceals you, and you put on this positive version of yourself. When you get home, your sadness comes back.
    Some people in your class might also feel the same, remember. There are a number of people who might be hiding behind their true selves, so don't feel like your alone, ever.
    You might find a lot of people who can relate to you on the internet, on this blog for example, but we are just strangers who are trying to help out. You do not know the amount of people who come to school with a smile or wear makeup to cover their tears; everybody is fighting a hard battle, no matter how obvious it is.

    I understand how you are not depressed but just generally sad, and for me I am happy in school (most of the time) though I feel judged by everything. It's fine, and everyone is going through something too, whether it be depression or just general sadness.

    Also, I know this might sound cheesy, but you are really talented, I'm sure. You might not know your talents, but you have some, it is up to you do develop them. (yes the level of cheesiness is overwhelming) :).

    Just do what you love, and don't care about the judgements people make, because they are probably the jealous ones who just want to bring you down. Once again with cheesiness, but people will love you for who you are <3.

    I am also the 'quiet one' although this year I have learned to make new friends and to really open up.
    You can open up too, just become one of those people who are never embarrassed about what they do, even though it is very difficult. I'm gaining more confidence every day, and I learn from the people around me and try to stick with the people who truly inspire you. Find the talented ones who's talent you love and work with them or be friends with them, and you will become truly talented.
    Music is also a way for me to express myself. Learn the chords to a sad song you like and play the simple chords and sing along. Who cares about your voice, everybody's is beautiful. You might be an amazing singer but I do not know. It will feel good to sing, idk why :D

    Hang out with friends and just seperate your study time to the rest. Keep up good grades if you are getting some, and try to expand your social life as much as possible, and be friends with the right people definitely. Trust them, if you can't then break the friendship. Also you should be friends with people who give you a positive influence on school and just life in general :) and share a passion with you?!

    Thanks for writing your post, and I hope this has helped a bit :)

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  9. This just came my way and I felt it would make sense in these comments on this post:

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/04/creativity-habits_n_4859769.html

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