Ever since Christmas break, I've been feeling like my life is going downwards. I feel sad all the time and it's kind of similar to the sadness you might find in depression. But I'm not depressed. Reading accounts written by people experiencing/who have experienced depression will help you to figure out that a symptom of depression is not feeling anything at all.
My sadness isn't caused by other people. It's not like there are people bullying me, or that my teachers hate me, or that my friends secretly want me to go and die. My sadness seems to be caused by myself - I'm destroying myself and my happiness from the inside out. I don't know if it's because I put so much stress on myself (studying for 6 hours a night before maths tests) or because I have so many wounds that haven't fully healed.
At school I'm happy. There's the quiet studious side of me that teachers see, and there's the hyperactive, strange side of me that my friends see. At school I can forget everything and just be myself. There's always work to do, lessons to listen to, tests to write and assignments to complete.
But when I get home I feel really lonely and vulnerable. It's not like when I'm at school and I am surrounded by people all the time. I often just sit by myself and do homework, or blog, or read. Doing things help to numb the pain. But the bliss is temporary and as soon as I'm lying in bed I feel sad. I don't even know how to describe the feelings that run through my head, flowing through my heart. At times, I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. My demons don't drown. They sink a bit but then they're rescued again. It doesn't matter what I try to drown them with - music, text, internet or hot showers - they keep resurfacing.
It seems like I wear a mask to school in the morning. The mask is covered in smiles, jokes and strange little quirks I happen to possess. But when I get back home, the mask comes off and my sadness pokes through again.
There's also the existential crisis I've been facing - it's constantly looming up there like a cloud and occasionally a few raindrops of despair and hopelessness fall down. A few days ago in the car my parents talked to me about focusing more on activities unrelated to academics (piano, harp, karate, swimming) as that would help me have a better chance of being accepted into prestigious universities. And that was when the cloud attacked, bringing a thunderstorm down on me. I realized that apart from writing, I have no real talents. I don't know how to play piano well, and I can only play a few notes on the harp. I lack the dedication and motivation to practice everyday for hours on end. There's nothing really that makes me different from other people. I'm just another face in the crowd, hoping to be recognized.
My life is such a mess.